Professional tip: There is no such thing as a higher solution to really feel completely happy with your entire life selections – even these 4 batches of vacation cookies you ate final week – than to look at this season of Love After Lockup. Critically, there’s simply one thing healthful and satisfying about watching some unhappy sacks roll up of their fresh-outta-prison duds, able to make all new horrible selections with a life associate on the skin who’s much more unhinged than them. Sure, I’m going to hell. (Wanna share a handbasket?)
Talking of unhappy sacks on Love After Lockup, let’s verify in with Scott and Lizzie! They’re nonetheless on the Hampton eight chilling in separate rooms, however Lizzie thinks it’s time for a makeover. Not for her – nope! She’s good
in her personal thoughts. Lizzie needs to drag a Queer Eye for the Toothless Man on Scott. And she or he feels very certified for the job since she was in cosmetology college in jail – despite the fact that she bought kicked out for heroin. As one does.
Scott & Lizzie
After she chops off his ponytail, shaves his beard
and hoses him down, Lizzie rewards Scott by licking his face like he’s the peanut butter and he or she’s the canine. WE CAN NEVER UNSEE THIS. A minimum of Scott is happy along with his new look, which is an enchancment. Even when it seems to be like a Again Road Boy did meth for 35 years, then bought punched within the face a couple of occasions.
Scott’s son, Adam, likes his dad’s new look, however nonetheless thinks he’s an fool…as will we all. And despite the fact that Lizzie’s daughter, Jazmyn, can be nonetheless not on board with Scott, Lizzie simply applies her make-up for her date and gushes that “all the pieces shall be effective!” Yeah, so long as Scott’s bank card nonetheless works. (That is referred to as foreshadowing…)
Since taking her meals away, Marcelino has apparently determined to permit
his prisoner Brittany to attempt consuming in a restaurant once more. Marcelino allegedly apologized to Brittany for his vile habits at dinner their first evening collectively, however Brittany remains to be taking this relationship slowly.
This time, Brittany is bringing backup. Her outdated bunkmate, Sascha, is becoming a member of them for brunch, and Brittany has a confession to make about their particular “friendship.” Marcelino is suspicious of Sascha as quickly as she sits down, grilling her about why she’s so near HIS fiance who HE is marrying and HE owns now.
Sascha and Brittany really feel like sisters. They’ve supported each other like household ever since they met in jail. When Marcelino says that nobody can change household, Brittany fights again. She reminds him that her organic household by no means took care of her, and it’s actually her pals who’ve stepped in to fill the void. Marcelino simply stares daggers at each of the ladies, freaking Sascha out and inflicting her to surprise if this brunch is perhaps her final meal. #ThisDudeIsAMurderer
Because it seems, Sascha and Brittany have been by no means romantically concerned, however Brittany was with one other lady – Amanda – in lockup. She liked her, however doesn’t see a future together with her…but. Amanda is out of jail now, although, and after the actually psychotic approach Marcelino’s been performing, she’s about to run to Amanda’s home and lock herself inside. RUN, GIRL! RUNNNNNN!
Since getting her fancy $1,000 makeover, Tracie is driving excessive. And Clint – Tracie’s equal in each sexual frustration and orange enamel – is virtually peeing his briefs with giddiness. He can’t wait to tear that gown off of Tracie and make her his “lady.” Tracie guffaws, assuring Clint that he’ll be “getting ALL of this each evening” if he performs his playing cards proper. Clearly, Tracie doesn’t know that the one playing cards Clint is allowed to play are the picto-graphic variety from Sweet Land.
Additionally, beneath is what Clint’s face seems to be like your entire time he’s speaking about sexytimes with Tracie. Not disturbing in any respect.
At dinner, the completely happy couple talks about vehicles and infants, which go collectively like…Clint and his impending panic assault? He can barely operate (which is simply mildly discernible from customary “Clint functioning”), pulling himself collectively again by the restaurant bathroom as he will get up the nerve to suggest.
When he returns, Clint strings some phrases collectively about happiness and destiny and “studying her to drive stick shift” earlier than lastly popping the query. Tracie is elated, saying sure immediately, and gushing over the bling that Clint presents her with. Because the restaurant claps for them, one patron asks how lengthy they’ve identified one another. “We simply met at this time!” chirps Tracie together with her total bra hanging out the again of her gown.
Again on the resort, Tracie rolls round on the kitchen counter, then throws Clint on to the mattress with the drive of a thousand jail guards. She is able to present this dude a very good time. Clearly, her favors couldn’t be bestowed on a extra grateful topic. “She’s probably the most beautifulest lady I ever seen,” sighs Clint, whose pasty white chest is then paraded earlier than us in a collection of pre-coital pictures that the digital camera crew want particular lenses for.
Lastly, as if we haven’t suffered sufficient, we’re handled to the sounds of two simpletons humping. (Whether or not any of us can scrub the sights and sounds of this episode from our minds stays a thriller – however be robust! There’s extra!)
Sigh. You realize – these two are such goofy weirdos, I type of love them. What is going on to me? I suppose I’m formally rooting for the Tracie-Clint trainwreck to maintain rolling proper on down the hill and straight off the tracks – however in the very best approach. Like, nobody ought to truly get damage, okay? #TeamGingivitis
As they discuss sperms in bellies <dry heave> and the way a lot they’re not wanting ahead to boning in mother’s home, Matt and Caitlin drive away from their cabin within the woods. The horror, nonetheless, has simply begun. Megan’s weed ring has rotted off by now, however she’s nonetheless excited to arrange a house. In Matt’s childhood bed room.
Matt has barely spent a full 5 minutes of his grownup life out from behind bars, and he just about thinks he’s certain for jail once more. His mother does too, despite the fact that she’s eager for change. She hugs her son laborious when she sees him, confessing how scared she is about the place issues will go from right here.
Matt takes us on a stroll down reminiscence lane: Right here’s the place I climbed out the window to purchase medicine! Right here’s the place I hid my stash! Caitlin is shocked when Matt says “nobody can cease me if I wish to run,” however his mother is unfortunately used to this cycle.”I’m already stressed and I’ve been right here for ten minutes,” whines Matt when Caitlin tells him that he’ll want guidelines and rules to remain on the correct path. Caitlin, girrrrrrl. You’ll be able to’t save this youngster. Homeboy can’t even save his personal tooth!
Over at Megan’s home, it’s enterprise as ordinary. She’s ready on Michael’s name like several good fiance ought to, besides she nonetheless has no clue that her husband-to-be is already married.
In the meantime, Sarah and Michael journey to see his mother, Carolyn, and pals in Michigan earlier than they head again to New York. None the wiser about Michael’s WHOLE OTHER FIANCE, Sarah is giddy that her man is lastly free. However Michael confesses to producers that Sarah doesn’t “full” him. So, I’m guessing Michael’s been watching some bootleg Jerry Maguire within the clink or some sh*t? He’s bought goals, yo.
Not even out of jail for an hour, Michael is already managing his double life…WITH THE HELP OF HIS MOM. Once more, we should ask the age outdated query: What. The. Precise. F**ok?!? As Michael FaceTime’s Megan on the sly, his mother – who simply hugged Sarah an enormous, pleasant hey – will get on the telephone to provide Megan a shout out too. She’s all, “Effectively, Michael’s a women man, however I’m not gonna bust him out!” Holy balls, you guys. That is insane.
A minimum of Megan type of side-eyes Michael when he tells her that his “child mama” is driving him to New York for parole. After all, she nonetheless has no concept that Michael is legit married to Sarah. However she doesn’t belief the state of affairs. Thus, we’re led to consider that Megan the Virgin may even have one, lone, very confused marble nonetheless rolling round in her head.
“Although I’m free from jail, I’m not free,” whines Michael, who simply needs he might ditch THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD AND CURRENT WIFE for his facet chick. In equally delusional information, Michael additionally fancies himself a rapper, which is *allegedly* why he needs to take off along with his pals within the automotive and go away Sarah within the mud. He figures his mother, AKA his wingman, will entertain First Spouse whereas he simply splits the scene.
As she stands in entrance of Michael’s mother’s home in tears, Sarah screams at her husband for being a egocentric a$$gap. She will be able to’t consider she simply waited for a man for 3 lengthy years whereas elevating their youngster alone, and now he’s about to ditch her just one hour out of jail! Oh boy. Simply wait till she will get ditched for a virgin who takes intercourse courses on Skype. Yikes.
RELATED: Love After Lockup: The $12,000 Lie
Author’s Be aware: Take a look at my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for extra Actuality TV speak (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Unique Interviews & extra!). Out there on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Go to pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all hyperlinks.
TELL US- HOW LONG BEFORE MICHAEL TELLS SARAH AND MEGAN THE TRUTH? ARE CLINT AND TRACIE MEANT FOR ONE ANOTHER? IS MATT READY FOR REAL RESPONSIBILITY? SHOULD BRITTANY GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MARCELINO BEFORE SHE’S THROWN IN A PIT? THOUGHTS ON SCOTT’S NEW LOOK? WILL ANY OF THESE LOVE AFTER LOCKUP RELATIONSHIPS LAST? WHICH LOVE AFTER LOCKUP COUPLE IS YOUR FAVORITE?
[Picture Credit score: WEtv ]
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